Fall Out

How many years did I nibble around the edges of being a drunk? You know, before I let it come between myself and those I love. Before it made me a blithering idiot not worth the price of a funeral. I find I can’t say. Oh, I can guess until the cows come home but to pin point it would most likely be during a crisis in business when my partner passed without telling me that we were in deep financial trouble. I managed to save the business but the cost to my mental state had to be close to debilitating. I drank to ease the pain and merely made things worse.

I tried AA but, as with many, it didn’t do for me what I needed so I had to sell the business to keep drinking. Stupid is not the word for this. Hollowed out with a sharp knife fits much better. When it landed me in the hospital I was nearly gone and it was wonderful not to know where I was or how I got there; I think.

The road back was torturous as I could not fend for myself in any way. A mess? Pretty much. That I recovered and am where I am now is by the grace of God and some sharp doctors and nurses. Damage to my family took me almost five years to repair but my family is intact again. Husband, wife, children . . . as it almost wasn’t.

I tell you this to show you that it is possible to beat this and still retain your loves of life. I am not necessarily a humble man but I know which side my bread is buttered on and it took a lot of humility to stop and realize how awful I had been and what damage I had done. Memories floated slowly back into my mind after a few years and they were in technicolor. That alone is amazing as my brain was swollen when I arrived unconscious to the hospital. My Pancreas was infected and the fact that I lived and learned to walk again was darn near miraculous.

Part of is was my stubbornness but it was mostly God giving mercy. It changed the way I think greatly. I was all business all the time and run here, run there. Sedate would be too extreme so calm should suffice for who I am now. Calm, introspective, a little bit humbled, and, I have my wits about me once more. My wits are what allow me to write this in the way that I am. All of my trials were all of my own damn fault. Others get no blame for what I did. That is the salient point to this exercise.

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